Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
