She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
the liver wants what the liver wants
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize