between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
This is the high leading the old right now
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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