I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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