She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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