kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
