My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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