I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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