we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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