i was born a porn star she said
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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