ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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