Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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