my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize