I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
