Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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