I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
