i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
