I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
