holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
