He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You dont lie about slip and slides
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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