you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
