I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
