I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
