his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
