Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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