so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
A bitchslap is in order.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
