My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
