At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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