I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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