So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
