Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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