she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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