Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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