her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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