you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
