Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
false alarm. still invincible.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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