I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
