I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
