Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
