Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
