if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize