I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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