We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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