do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
