What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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