I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
