its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
