My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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