so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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