If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
is wine microwaveable?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
