Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
