We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
