If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
