Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
