i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
