I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We need to get me chipped asap
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
