Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
