k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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