Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
