I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
