I haven't been this sober since birth.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
