We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
