HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
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