hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
