I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
